There’s been a lot of complaining lately about how born-again
believers get kicked around by the secular heavies. Fair enough. So
how about our treatment of the other side? I say don’t let ’em
breathe. Our approach to these secular humanist scum should be just
like their approach to us, with one big difference: we’ve got God’s
rubber-stamp approval on every word we write, broadcast, or televise.
AMEN.
Our purpose as rhetoric masters isn’t to evangelize or to explain.
This is war! In verbal warfare there’s only one golden rule, and
that’s this: THE LOUDER YOU YELL, THE MORE CLEARLY YOU’LL BE HEARD.
So let’s get down to basics. For the first time ever I’m going to
release my patented methods for becoming an overnight evangelical
sensation. (Charismatics, this is for you as well.) But before we
begin, you must ask yourself two questions: “Do I have the guts?” and
“Do I have a big enough mouth?”
METHOD #1: GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION. Sure, this is standard fare.
But let’s really explore the subtleties here. Take some idea you don’t
like (maybe because you don’t understand it). No one wants to go spend
hours at a library just so they can argue a point. Besides, that might
end up changing your mind about something, or telling you facts you
didn’t already know. No, the quick, easy way is to find some
non-Christian with a well-publicized seedy lifestyle who supports the
idea in question. Then read a quote to your flock from his book or
whatever, PROVING that accursed secularists such as your example are
behind the idea. Christians will abandon it without even asking
whether or not it’s true! (Of course, we know it isn’t!)
METHOD #2: REPLACE A WORD’S FULL MEANING WITH A DEFINITION FITTED
TO YOUR PURPOSE. This works best when your audience wants to think the
answer is a simple one. Here, I’ll show you. Take the word “feminist.”
What comes into mind, a woman committed to biblical truth and
concerned with excesses on both sides of a real issue, or a lesbian
battle-axe interested in legalized abortion and using the men’s room?
See how easy it is?
METHOD #3: USE ACCEPTED CAUSES TO PUSH THE REST OF YOUR IDEOLOGY.
Take a lesson from the humanists on this one. They take popular causes
like opposing racism or feeding the hungry and connect them with the
rest of the liberal agenda; “Christian homosexuality,” “a woman’s
right to choose [to kill her baby],” and on and on and on. It’s an
easy way to guarantee yourself an audience. Now someone might say we
should avoid total acceptance of agenda from left or right, that
Scripture condemns much of both. That’s those wishy-washy theologians
again. Some liberal New Ager named C. S. Lewis warned Christians not
to get entangled with “Christianity AND . . .” because the “and” will
end up taking over. Well, in the case of Americanism and the right
wing, would that really be so bad? They even dress like Christians.
Remember, as far as getting a big bunch of believers, “It’s easier to
seal a package deal.”
METHOD #4: BEING RIGHT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING RIGHT. This
one’s important. I heard one guy get so upset at the humanist menace
he began swearing up a storm right there in the pulpit! I thought he’d
get in trouble, but no, his congregation understood that while his
actions were wrong, “his heart was right.” This not only works for
mundane stuff like cursing, but for more important things like moral
purity or material wealth. When in Rome, do as the Romans do . . .
METHOD #5: TELL YOUR LISTENERS THAT IF THEY DON’T DO WHAT YOU
SAY, THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE IS “PASSIVE COMPROMISE” WITH THE WORLD. You
must be convinced yourself that this is so, and if God has indeed
called you, how can it be otherwise? I don’t give the poor dolts an
option; this world can confuse them so easily it’s much better for us
who understand to guide those who don’t. Otherwise they will end up
compromising, ignoring our wisdom in favor of their own. So don’t
mince words. Tell them to toe the line, or else. Where this comes in
real handy is in you defining what “meaningful action” is. It might be
the wholesale rejection of other leaders, or it could be the donation
of twenty-five dollars to your God-ordained television ministry.
METHOD #6: THE “INHERENT EVIL” IN CERTAIN ART FORMS AND/OR AREAS
OF KNOWLEDGE. I am a firm believer in all sorts of hidden demonic
influences being part of modern culture. Never mind the obvious gross
stuff; I’m talking about secret messages and satanic symbols. I have
many dislikes in art and science, and it’s amazing what I find in some
of those things. Rock music weakens the body and excites sexual urges,
while the computer revolution is preparing the way for the antichrist.
(Sure, I use a word processor to write, but that’s different.)
METHOD #7: GOD GAVE ME THIS MINISTRY or GOD GAVE ME THIS MESSAGE.
What a great way to silence all discussion! Armchair philosophers
won’t have a chance when your followers short-circuit the conversation
with GGMTM. No proofs are needed; just radiate sincerity and charm
from the pulpit, screen, or printed page. And be earnest! Who can
argue with, “The LORD told me.”
METHOD #8: BE ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY. Christians love the “money
changers in the temple” approach. Never mind that Jesus used the whip
once in a three-year ministry; this is an angry age. People are
confused, and confusion leads to frustration, which leads to anger.
Tap into that rich source of unity and you’ll have a huge following
overnight. I can’t overstress the importance of this. No matter how
wild your theories, how nonsensical your logic, no one cares if you
are prophetically angry. Speaking of which . . .
METHOD #9: THE MORE OUTLANDISH AND FORCEFUL YOUR CLAIMS, THE MORE
YOU WILL BE BELIEVED. Never underestimate the mental flabbiness of
Christians. They don’t like to think; aerobic praise is more fun. My
findings, for some reason, have never been well received by the Bible
student types. But for those who need me to think for them, one rule
applies: they will believe whatever I as God’s prophet tell them to IF
. . . “It’s loud enough, long enough, and large enough.”
METHOD #10: GENERATE FEELINGS AND YOU WILL GENERATE FOLLOWERS.
Christians want to FEEL as though they are doing God’s will. By
showing them how to battle Satan in these ultra-important areas, we
help them experience a warm glow of satisfaction. These good feelings
prove that what I’m telling them is the truth, no matter what some
half-baked theological “semetary” graduate says. “If you feel right
about it, go ahead and spout it.”
HAZARDS OF HEARTY EXHALATION. For all God’s mouthpieces, both
veterans and Johnny-come-latelies, there are some dangers you just
can’t avoid. Keep an eye out for the independent types who get
teaching from other folks. They’ll challenge your authority, as if you
hadn’t been anointed by God Himself, by asking all sorts of
theological questions. Who needs theology anyway? Just ignore the
obnoxious ones and they’ll go away. After all, “Independent thinking
equals dangerous thoughts.”
Don’t let your flock become prayer warriors unless they, like you,
talk without listening to the voices of doubt. Help them trust
themselves and doubt voices they may think are God’s. Unbelievably,
even I have heard such a voice, but rebuked as a temptation the idea
that my ministry might be anything but Spirit-led.
Finally, watch out for the reconcilers. These namby-pambys look
harmless enough, but when they write or speak on a subject, the
results are often large numbers of new Christians. That’s not so
terrible, but these new converts are often allowed to maintain old
cultural trappings, and at times attempt to build some nonsense called
a “biblical worldview” around modern issues. We’ve got to get to these
babes in Christ when they’re still impressionable; some of my best
followers came from such stock.
Well, that about does it. If you’d like further, more specific
ideas, here are some other publications of mine. Smearing Fellow
Christians in Five Easy Steps explains how I’ve exposed supposed
evangelical leaders as “plants” from the opposition (or at best
neo-Marxists in Christian guise). My best-selling How Rock and Roll
Caused America’s National Debt contains as a bonus an Evatone
soundsheet with excerpts from the year’s grossest rock LPs (the book
comes in a plain brown wrapper). Conspiracy Theories Made Easy is
great fun for a rainy Saturday afternoon, something the whole family
will enjoy.
Remember, “Be loud to draw a crowd.” And don’t worry about the
nagging feeling that all the screaming isn’t accomplishing much; it’s
not so bad to be one more noise in a noisy world . . .
Is it?
original filename: CSM113GA.TXT
“Stomping Satan with Style: How Christians Get Their Rhetorical Kicks”
Release A, 14 November 1997
Copyright © 1984, 1997 by Jon Trott. This file may be reproduced on
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