Recovery from Spiritual Abuse
How You Can Help
By Sharon Hilderbrant, M.A.
Recently, I have read two new books that describe in detail
the abusive behavior of various churches and the effects of this
abuse on church members. Churches That Abuse, by Ron
Enroth, and Damaged Disciples (in press), by Ron and Vicki
Burks, both published by Zondervan, relate stories that may be
hard for some Christians to believe. Those of us who work with
the victims, however, know the stories are true.
Churches on the fringe exist in every major
metropolitan area as well as in small towns and isolated rural
areas. Some are large, "mega-church" organizations,
while some may be small house-church gatherings. Most of them
look fairly normal to outsiders. That is, until abused persons
begin to leave and tell of their experiences.
Getting out of the group is only the beginning of recovery.
Recovery involves, according to one survivor, getting "the
group out of us." The effects of abuse are long-standing.
The following outlines how Christians can help the spiritually
abused in their recovery.
Trust:
Most survivors will have much trouble trusting.
Anyone. Especially churches. A support system is desperately
needed, but survivors will have difficulty approaching. Help with
material needs (housing, job, food, etc.) is usually much
appreciated. Social support via invitations to events or dinner,
or just a conversation about something other than church or
religious issues is very much needed.
Therefore, a safe place for confidentiality, a place to
be relaxed without expectations of appearances or performance, a
place to connect with another caring person (or persons) without
becoming too involved in private lives, is needed. A
dysfunctional don’t trust rule was present in the
system, by teaching, by practice, or both. Don’t push for
trust. Don’t push the recovery process. Respect their
boundaries.
Talk:
Survivors need to tell their story. So they will
remember it themselves, and not deny any part of it. So they can
be validated by others who believe them. So they can use the
truth to dispel the deceptions of the past and discern deception
in the future. The dysfunctional system no doubt had a don’t
talk rule by practice—but probably spiritualized and
cloaked in scripture as well. The don’t talk rule
serves to hide a myriad of the leaders’ sins.
Emotion:
It is normal for anyone who has been victimized and
abused to feel intense emotions. The longer the survivors had to
endure abuse without an outlet for emotions, the longer it will
take for them to experience the full range of emotions about it.
Depression and anxiety are common masks for other emotions.
Too much intellectualizing may inhibit the survivor from
getting in touch with his or her emotions. Fear, guilt, anger,
grief, rage, sorrow—all must be felt and expressed in their
own time. An overspiritualizing of emotions may have been present
in the dysfunctional system, with certain emotions demanded and
others condemned by a twisting of scripture. The result is a don’t
feel your real feelings rule.
Truth:
Encourage survivors to talk about what happened to
them. Listen. Empathize. Offer words that may describe what the
person is feeling, since they may not be able to identify it
themselves at first. Limit feedback and comments to supportive
statements. Keep confidentiality. Be trustworthy.
Who am I?
Survivors typically do not know who they are anymore.
They lost themselves in the church/cult. They need to know they
are lovable. Count them as equal to yourself—not less just
because they are needy. Assure them they do not have to be
perfect. Accept them as they are. Encourage them. Build
confidence, offer choices. Allow them to have strengths and
weaknesses.
They need to know that they are not evil or possessed, not
crazy, not shameful. They need to know that they are not
powerless and that they can recover and grow beyond this
experience. Don’t make decisions for them and don’t try
to fix them. Let them know you speak for yourself. Be
careful of speaking for God. Tell them recovery takes a long
time—2 to 4 years, or longer.
What about the group?
It is critical that survivors know that God is not the
group. Leaving the group is not equivalent to leaving God. They
must hear that no group has exclusive truth, or is the elite, or
is especially anointed over another for ministry of the gospel.
(It is the gospel that is anointed!)
They also need to recognize that group leaders actually
deceived people, used and abused people, twisted scripture, and
fostered co-dependent and/or addictive behaviors (perhaps immoral
behavior, too) among members. Be gentle as you interpret what was
hurtful and wrong in the group. Remember, they probably have left
behind some people that are still dear to their hearts and do not
wish to blame them. Information about co-dependency and
dysfunctional families and other institutions at this stage may
be helpful in confronting denial. Save Bible reading until the
individual is ready to grapple with it in small doses.
What is God really like?
Just as survivors lost themselves in the group, so did
they lose reality about who God is. They need to have grace
explained in depth and to examine God’s attributes
carefully. The long process of recovery involves continually
uncovering misrepresentations of God conveyed by the words and
behavior of group leaders, parents and other authority figures.
Survivors will need to be reminded again and again of the true
attributes of God and the principle of grace. Be genuine. Be
personal. Explain how scripture helps you to understand
God’s attributes. If you have received grace, you can speak
confidently about it. Tell what you love about God.
God's people:
To become reconciled to God requires reconciliation
with God’s people. Many who begin to trust God again have
much more difficulty trusting people in any church. It helps to
confront the truth about God’s people with statements
similar to the following:
• Leaders are not more favored by God over others in
the church.
• All struggle spiritually, even leaders.
• All are in various stages of growth (no instant
spirituality).
• All make mistakes, none are infallible.
• All can learn to hear God’s voice for
themselves—no need to remain spiritual children who must
submit to parental leaders.
• All need each other—none are needless.
• All have something to give and are valuable to God.
• All—leaders and lay persons—are called to
live by the same standards.
• All need to have their own relationship
with God apart from the involvement of other
believers—including spouses.
• The church is not just one building or one
gathering, but believers
everywhere.
Be honest:
Be honest about yourself and your own church. Admit
your own inability to have all the answers. The truth will not
hinder their relationship with God. Remember it is the Holy
Spirit’s job to draw them to Himself. Your admission of
struggle may help them to learn to struggle and not give up.
Going to church:
Survivors may need help working through memories and
emotions triggered by going to church. Continually point them to
God Himself. It is not God who has violated them, but
people—some well-intended and some deceptive. Help
survivors to see that Christians are individuals — imperfect— not to be put on pedestals, but to share in the struggles and the benefits of the Christian faith.
Help them to recognize the distorted thinking—about
themselves, about God, etc.—that accompanies traumatic
reactions. This is a good time to use the safety and authority of
scripture to confront the deception created by the group, and to
soothe and console. A trained counselor may be needed for this
part of recovery.
Untwisting Scripture:
All survivors will need help working through memories
and feelings triggered by scripture. Scripture was twisted to the
advantage of the group or its leaders. True meanings of Scripture
are healing and give life. Untwisting takes much work. Make no
assumptions of what they know or understand. Challenge every
concept, all usage of jargon and Bible language for clarification
of what it means to them. They may assume you know their
understanding of a phrase, as if there is only one way to
interpret it. Respect their spiritual boundaries. Be sure they
are ready to grapple with scripture. (It is normal to avoid
reading the Bible at all for 12-18 months or more.)
Conclusion:
The recovery process I have just outlined takes a long
time. One-on-one support is a long-term commitment. More helpful
is a group support system, where all are assisting survivors in
various aspects. Create a network of Christians who will assist
with material needs, who will provide financial assistance to
attend community events (or a couples’ weekend, or a family
camp) for rest and recreation, who will assist with filling out
tax forms, or who will advise on how to buy a good used car.
Help them obtain medical care or tutor their children to bring
them up to grade level. Provide information that will help them
learn (or re-learn) how to function, without fear or shame, in
the larger society. Lend them self-help books to read. Help with
professional counseling as needed. Be available as a friend in a
small group of friends. (Isn’t that how Jesus would do it?)
The above article originally appeared in The Shield newsletter in 1992.